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Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

Carpe per diem - seize the check.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"

The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Williams is 'the Tasmanian devil of comedy'.

And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, 'Hey, here's a little switch: Daddy's gonna throw up on you!'

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.

You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.

About Canada - "Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

I'm looking at a group of heavily armed people here. I'm telling myself 'if you're not funny, it's a problem' - to troops in Iraq

If you watch it backwards, it has a plot." - about Popeye

Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying 'I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award.' The other is 'You want fries with that?'

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

For a while you get mad, then you get over it. They're afraid of saying Olive Oyl is anorexic. It tells you about the state of humor. It's strange to think: how afraid are you? We thought that they got the irony of it. I guess not.

You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision- you either go all the way or forget it.
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